Live A Little

I've been waging and winning wars since before I was born.
My mother didn't know she was pregnant with me / before you could ever get on TV
for that very reason; She was four months along when the pregnancy finally became known
And she stopped taking her birth control. Show of hands, how many of you know what that can do
To a developing baby? Because she didn't. She was seventeen and scared,
With a good fiancee and a four year old and a thousand doctors telling her that
Abortion was the best option, the only option,
Because I was supposed to have cerebral palsy,
And their professional opinion was that a teenaged mother
Would not have been able to
Take care of me.

Now, I want you all to take a second to think about that. For those of you who don't know,
Cerebral Palsy is a mental disorder where, in the worst case scenario,
the afflicted can not walk, / Or talk,
Or take care of themselves in any way. In the doctors' most professional opinions,
I was going to be the worst case scenario of the worst case
They had ever seen. Obviously they were wrong, otherwise none of us would be here today,
But do you know what my mother told all those doctors?
She told them, “I don't care if she has no arms and no legs, she is still my baby.”
And that's the kind of parent I want to be.
I will teach my child(ren) to stand up for what they believe
Even when one thousand other people are telling them differently.

I was a soldier from the moment I was conceived.
I beat all the odds thrown against me, but that's not to say that I won every war and battle / Easily.

Fast forward to me at age twelve. Seventh grade, quiet, awkward, ashamed
Of who, of what I wanted to be. Bullied severely. I had the girl that a part of me is still in love with / Today,
Ready and willing to fall on my lips whenever I looked her way.
But then she broke up with me, because she figured out that her experimenting
Had gone far enough. She didn't really like me, and I lost my best friend that day.
For weeks, months, even years after that, / Every time I thought about
How she used and tossed me away, I wanted to look at her and scream,
“I hate you, but not nearly as much as I hate myself; My heart is still pounding on your door,
Even though I've told it repeatedly that you'll never open up. I hate you,
Because I still love you. And I can't figure out why anymore.”
Imagine being twelve and wanting to kill yourself so bad that you actually attempt to do it.

Fast forward again to me at age fourteen. First day of high school and I've got scars
From my fingertips down to my knees. A lot of them are self made, a few of them were given to me /
By the bullies that pushed me around and pushed the idea of suicide
So deep into my brain / That it will most likely never leave. By Christmas break,
I was ready to try and kill myself for the fourth time, thinking, I don't know,
Maybe I'll take some of these ignorant pricks with me. The school councilor kicked me out of school
And my parents sent me to a day programme, which shipped me off to a mental hospital
The very same day. Now, I'm not insane, and yeah, maybe I hear voices in my head sometimes,
But they weren't the ones telling me to do horrible things. Those voices belonged to kids my age,
Laughing at me and taunting me until I was ready to break. Until I'd rather stick my fingers down my throat
to make myself sick, so I wouldn't have to face them at school the next day.

Like I said, no victory comes easily. But this is why I'm telling you my story;
Because I am right here, (on this stage,) and I'm tangible and telling you
With a shit eating grin on my face, that it does get better.
That, as my favourite author once put it, “You don't always win the battle,
But mischief always wins the war,” So if you learn to roll with the punches
And wear your faults like armor, no one can use it against you;
It's okay to be a little weird, and have little odd ticks and pet peeves.
Like, I can't focus when my sleeves are down, or when I'm freezing;
But when somebody sees or comments on my scars, that doesn't stop me from feeling that trickle of pride, Because I am still here and able to do something that I love / Because I didn't let my past swallow me up.
So step out of the shadow of your demons / And live a little.